Put the smile back. Return the good vibes. Restore and rewind. Can't do it anymore. Nothing comes out. There's no more inspiration. No more feelings to be expressed. No more words to be heard. Just no more. Revival. Resurrection. Rejuvenation. A reason is needed. Light-hearted laughters long gone. Lonesome. Lunacy lives.

Overreacting. Weak. Insecure. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak.

Freak.

Genocide please.

Passive. Cheap thrills aren't the answer, but they help. Have I lost every little ounce of confidence in me? It doesn't matter anymore, society demands brain power and ruthlessness. Every man for himself, in this dog eat dog world. Cliche, over-rated yet true. I need you so much, but I don't know who are you or where are you. 

When a part breaks down, the correct action to be taken is repairs and replacement. If not action is taken, the whole machinery just crumbles and cease to operate. These days sure are dark, cycle after cycle after cycle. Putting on smiles for other people just continues to grow tiresome, selfish it may sound but I wish one day I can finally smile for myself.

Out the window and far down the tarmac, all is quiet and serene. It is 3 am and what better to do than just sit gazing at my 22" LCD screen. My hair is still defying gravity despite the fact that I reached home a good 4 hours ago. I don't feel like moving, I don't feel like doing anything at all. Most of all, I wish I could just stop thinking. I want to turn off my brain completely for just an hour, like an android. I am not referring to sleep, because your brain still works when you are sleeping if you didn't know.

It's becoming a habit every night, when will this end?

Won't let go, won't give up, can't forget as much as one tries. Nothing matters because something is missing, the glue which once held it all. The vessel shows no signs of damage, but the core begs to differ. The will slides back slowly but surely,  losing purpose and objective.

 Losing perspective, losing rationality, losing nothing but losing everything. 

So here I am stuck at home everyday for almost 10 hours everyday. That'd be from around 2pm to whenever I sleep. And knowing in close to 2 months, my life will be a new but boring routine for the next 2 and a half years don't sound too great. The point in me writing and penning down my thoughts here is not for viewership, since I can probably count the number of people who read anything on this blog with 1 hand. If I didn't start this blog, I can see myself slowly going crazy. This is the only place I can just spill my guts and ramble away, hence the writing style here is to a "projected audience"....ironic isn't it?

Yes, feels so much more comfortable typing as though I am a writer of sorts and that people will eventually get to read these posts. It really feels like I am talking to someone out there. Better than writing as though I am just thinking to myself, I can do any other time. Whereas if I were to think out loud or just speak when no one is there to listen, it'd just worry my parents. Had a really awkward situation regarding a "suicide note" with my folks before, not a chance will it happen again. Just another reason to hate myself, whenever something stupid happens.

Have always been aware of the problem, don't have the solution though. Maybe because the solution is gone, but then there are always other solutions right? So far nothing works. Waiting out seems like the only option. Hate every possible trait within this person. Everything is a lie. Have much time do you have left? I am you and you are me, that's not true. Nobody can understand if nothing is said, but nobody understand even when said. Liar, everything about you is superficial. Fake. Useless. No one sees it.

First and last time I will ever drink coke zero. Okay, let's start with the pros first because that would be easy. Let's see....there are none. Now for the cons, where do I start? It tastes bad, bad as in like any other channel 8 drama serial ever filmed. Zero calories? I think coca-cola is trying to confuse consumers by advertising it to have zero calories in some countries and zero sugar is others, so which is it?
And you know how you put mentos in coke and it will fizz out like crazy? You get the same effect by just drinking coke zero. What? Yes, drink too fast and the gas will cause you to puke out the drink. This is probably the worst soft drink I have ever had the displeasure of having it slither down my throat. Absolutely.

Damn, I have no life.

Think I am hallucinating. Better get some rest and eat right.

Just came back from drinking with the guys, who you might ask? Jian yong, Ernest, Randhir, Kai wen, Pearson and Kevin. Well, Kevin left early so he skipped out the drinking part. We don't drink so much mind you, not to the point we are all wasted beyond human recognition. Met some high school classmates, Greta, Eunice and Nirmala at the bar by chance. Didn't get a chance to catch up that much but it was still nice to see them. Sometimes I think its best that I start anew from secondary school life, because it's keeps reminding me of the past. I can't let go at all and I want to forget everything, the worst is knowing that she doesn't even consider me as a friend. I don't blame her, I still love her but what's the point?

Maybe sometimes I drink trying to use that to escape from reality, but that won't solve my problems and I am aware of that. Many people just drink and wake up the next day complaining about their hangovers, but there are afew who reflect upon drinking. Strange it might sound, but I do that whenever I drink. I know there are others out there who do the same, if they are still sober enough to rationalise their actions. Drinking makes me think, it relaxes my body but works my mind. It makes me realise alot of shit, about issues people rarely address.

Don't mind my language though, it makes me sound drunk but hell if I was drunk would I be able to type or pen down my thoughts this well? Drinking often puts me in a bitter mood, right about when everyone leaves and my mind like clock works just sets the gears in motion - chains of thoughts just flow freely. Thoughts not about which girl I just saw on the street looks better, but serious issues believe it or not like politics, world issues and even economics. I do, however appreciate girls who have a good sense of dressing. Something simple but appealing, and not too complex nor over the top. Come on, any healthy heterosexual guy out there WILL have thoughts like these.

Who knows? Thinking too much might just be the problem and solution for me. So far the pros and cons just balance right, nothing outweighs the other at least for now. For all I know even I don't understand myself at times. I don't even know what I am thinking, and I am a freak. I am a weirdo, a worthless human.

Feeling extremely hopeless, wish I had a jamming studio somewhere in my house. Nothing too complicated though, simple 6 piece drumset, 1 bass guitar + an amp, a keyboard set-up and 2 guitar amps. And lastly, wish I could sing. As in not just mediocre, but jaw-dropping amazing.

Checked out K-On! It's an anime about a band, it's comical and very light hearted and Krauser II made a cameo appearance. Neat. And everytime I watch any music related shows, be it anime or music videos or youtube band covers, it really makes me want to pick up the guitar and shred away. Pity I am not where capable of shredding just yet, so picking up my guitar, pluggin' in and just playing away is more than enough to make me feel good...for a couple of mins or so.

And sorry Jian Yong no prize for ya for getting the hidden message, but your efforts will be known to ALL - all those who read my blog that is. Now, as the world is thrown into panic due to the H1N1 Virus known as swine flu. Not many know of another slightly less fatal epidemic spreading around, it is known as CBS - Chronic Boredom Syndrome. It can stay dormant in your body undetected by your immune system, but when the virus is active. It's time to do something, something fun and different.

Got myself a copy of this month's top gear but it won't last me until the next one is out, guess I can only read materials with have pictures. Short attention span is annoying at least to people around you and not yourself. I have a copy of Tom Clancy's Red Rabbit sitting on top of a bookcase right next to me, and you know what? The bookmark hasn't move from whence I last touched that novel, if memory serves me well that's 2 years ago mind you. I must say I am actually half-way through though,but can't remember why I stopped reading it. Hmm..feeling a wee bit famished, had a early dinner or late lunch whichever sounds better to you. Think I will go down and grab something to eat like now.

First. In a long time.

Back from the dead? I think not.
Why did I change my blog address? Because I deleted it.

Oh and before I start, I would like to let everyone know what a noob I am at HTML codes and programming. Yes, blogging requires a bit of a know how in programming, if one even considers it programming. So for the record, please don't ask me to link your blogs because I don't know how to and I don't bother to learn how to. On the other hand, if any of you out there is willing to do it(not teach me mind you.) for me by all means you can have my password.

Many might find my life rather a bit of a bore, won't blame you there but help yourself a slice of monotony du fromage if you would, please. Now where do I start...? Oh yes, under the influence of Ernest and Randhir, I am now a motor-head. Cars. Just gotta love 'em. Sadly, the thing is that in Singapore not many are able to afford nice cars simply because of tax. Now it's really disappointing when a 2nd hand car can cost less than US$1500 can end up 10 times or even 20 times the amount back here.

Oh no, not that I am complaining or anything. Our government has done a fine job for us don't we all agree? Heh. Anyways, a car which I would most surely want to own,*ahem* Ariel atom *cough*, costs around US$65000 but costs $288,000 in singapore. WTF. I'd admit that it might not necessarily be the most practical car to drive around here, but it sure is a hell load of fun to drive! Not to mention the speed and performance capabilities! I can see myself in 20 years time, having a vast collection of cars. Yep, you guessed it. They are all but 1: 20 scaled models. Sitting neatly in my living room shelf, nicely collecting dust.

Alrighty, that's enough about cars maybe for this post. Right now, I am devoid of inspirations, my guitar is calling out to me but somehow it just dies in my hands. Don't you just hate it being stuck in this I stress, NON-productive state? It's like having writer's block, but well...fine basically it's almost the same thing. So with a bag of chips almost spilling over my laptop keyboard, and restaurant city playing in the background tab I shall wrap up this entry.

Stay tuned for more.