Turned the world upside-down,

blinded and locked all senses,

unaware of my presence, you stood within my gaze.

Laughing and cheering wholeheartedly,

at screens intensely hued,

mesmerized and nostalgic, you stood within my gaze.

Bittersweet memories ripple in abundance,

with salty tears welling in my eyes,

the pain of remembrance of whence, you stood within my gaze.

As I retreat so slowly and surely,

so secretly and so silently,

cowardly stealing one last glance, you stood within my gaze.

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Just so much I want to know.

To start all over, if there's a chance.

You appear at the strangest of times.

Give me a break, just for once.

Never did forgive myself.

Lost my mind, lost my sight.

Trying hard just to forget.

Praying for the day, I might.

Harbouring second thoughts so carelessly.

Adversely, you had quickly dismiss them.

Wake up now and cool your head.

Before you grind your heart to sand.

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I didn't want to spoil your day, nor did I have any intention of causing you any worry.

It just became so hard for me to give you a genuine smile.

It took me so long to muster what little courage that was left just to say hi.

Wished for the world to stop, so I can hold you just once more.

My heart sank when you look so shocked and in disbelief, as if I had returned from the dead.

My words had no meaning, my throat was dry but I forced out a conversation.

Mixed emotions beyond my comprehension surged throughout my body.

Shaking and trembling trying my best to appear as normal, acting all casual.

Couldn't hold back my tears no more, tears of joy or hurt remains unknown.

You left without a word just as before, what more could be done?

Sick and tired of this cycle, as well as being sick in the head.

------------------------------------------------------------

I hate to admit it but it doesn't matter.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.
I hate myself.

Stupid.

I love you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Oh it's the best thing that you ever had, the best thing you ever ever had.

It's the best thing that you ever had, the best thing you have had has gone away.

In your house, I long to be.

Room by room, patiently.

I'll wait for you there, like a stone.

I'll wait for you there, alone.

There's a part of me, you'll never know.

The only thing I'll never show.

Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly.

Hopelessly, I'll give you everything.

But I won't give you up, won't let you down.

And I won't leave you falling, if the moment ever comes.

It's plain to see it's trying to speak.

Cherished dreams forever asleep.

Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly.

Hopelessly, I'll give you everything.

But I won't give you up, won't let you down.

And I won't leave you falling, if the moment ever comes.

Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly.

Hopelessly, I'll give you everything.

But I won't give you up, won't let you down.

And I won't leave you falling, if the moment ever comes.

When will this end/start? Please tell me.

Gut wrenching not due to excitement. Thought it was over just 15 mins ago, but guess not.

Beads of sweat, cold sweat breaking out furiously. Suck it up man, suck it up.

Can't really recall the last time I was this sick, or whatever it is that's going on with me.

I hope I'll be able to wake up on time in the hours to come, let's just say tasting food from a reverse order isn't exactly great. And repetetion is a killer.

If this keeps up I guess I have to report sick tomorrow. Argh, feel so miserable and shitty.

Feels like I've left something behind, though can't quite put my finger on it. On the other hand inferiority complex is catching up for lost time. And on top of that itunes is being such a bitch.

I want to know what I have been doing since 7 weeks ago, then I want to know what I will be doing from the next day onwards. Can't say I know the answer for both question. Don't evening know what has happened for the last 3 years, seems like waking from a dream. You know something has happened but everything's a blur.

Still tinkering with itunes, running through all the old songs and sorting out stuff. Found really old stuff, brings back the nostalgic feeling. I've got "Innocent" by our lady peace, playing in the background.

One day
You'll have to let it go,
Oh
One day
You'll stand up on your own, you'll stand up on your own
Yeah
Remember losing hope,
Remember feeling low,
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

Gone through that in my head one time too many. I need to find more distractions, at least something safer and legal. Since my guitar feels rather dead, and I can't seem to get any inspiration out anymore.



Counting down the days, counting down the hours.

Awesomeness

Rewriting, removing and repeating.

Lost, lonely and late.

Crashed, crushed and chronic.

Angry, aimless and anti-social.

Sadness, strive and schizoid.

Dementia, desolation and death.

Hollow, hallucination and hysteria.

Militia, meaningless and malicious.

Eradicate, extinguish and extinction.

Loser, you no longer feel alive.

Defeated, you dwell in despair.

Carry on, walking on.

Your life is over, your world's gone.

Failure, once bitten twice shy.

Deadbeat, you just waste away.

walk it off, jump right off.

Because your head's gone soft.

Couldn't see it coming right at you?

Knew the consequences, yet you ran right through.

Calling off. Calling off. Calling it off.

Created, problems on your own.

Faded, your memory's all blank.

Heading back, you're running back.

You are one nervous wreck.

Late, barely missed your mark.

Regret, is all that is left of you.

No way out, no backing out.

No one hearing you shout.

Couldn't see it coming right at you?

Knew the consequences, yet you ran right through.

Calling off. Calling off. Calling it off.

Take away all emotions,

leave behind this empty shell.

No sympathy given,

you're now living in hell.

Couldn't see it coming right at you?

Knew the consequences, yet you ran right through.

Calling off. Calling off. Calling it off.

Sing away my pain, if only it were true. For one it never works, for two I can't sing.

It's time to give up, there's no use fighting for what I believe in.
It's already too late for anything to be done, so it's time to rewrite everything.
Stand down, step back and draw the line of retreat.

Wave the flag, throw in the towel and disappear in a blink.

Switch off.

Back, only to leave once again.

It's been a while, I feel like an alien now that I am back. Things haven't changed much, but 2 weeks isn't that short either. I am spending way too much for the past 2 nights, its time to grab the financial reins and take control. Good thing is that my appetite has gone down, so has my beer gut but I am still drinking wayyyyy too much or at least spending too much.

Haven't been able to practice my guitar, damn it....and its less than 24h until I need to go back in.

Being stuck in camp for 2 weeks just burns off creativity and my capability to think. All we do is follow orders and no questions asked, then again a good soldier is one that doesn't ask and just execute orders.

My personal goal to be achieved in a span of the next 5 weeks: To be able to do 15 pull ups, shape up and probably do a good timing for the 2.4km run.

I need to start packing my stuff already so catch you all in the weekend to come! I need to start reading more books to ensure my vocabulary stays diverse, and of course force myself to speak porper english without any vulgerities!