Dilemma-rama, impasse I say, and my personal favourite perplexity.

Ooooooh, such colour language and I don't mean being vulgar.

There are such times in which one feels that the problem faced should not be solved at all.

Because when the problem is solved, the results might be a bit of a downer. Oh if this happens then that will follow, or rather if the opposite were to occur different repercussions will surface. Being placed in this sort of situation isn't grand at all.

And all you can wish for is a coin in one hand and nerves of steel.

We can only predict a certain outcome to be let's say 70% true, because with the human factor involved anything can go wrong. Sure things don't go our way all the time, so what do you do? Be like me just sit in front of the screen and gripe about it! It won't change anything but then again it makes you feel better.

Blame me for being sour and all pissed about it, but you'd feel the same way if you were caught dead in a similar predicament! I did not choose to participate in this but hell I want outta here like right now! Someday, whatever is left of my already puny optimism will soon be exhausted. Until that day comes, I will just have to keep searching and waiting for an alternate source!

Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!
Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!
Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!
Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!
Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!
Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!Tesla!
(You gotta say it fast!!!)


*Sigh*

Beyond my reach.

She's electric! She's Tesla! Ching! Ching!

For long I have been tormented, for long I have suffered.

For long these words from within, were waiting for this day.

In my heart a cringe was felt, in my heart a wound not healed.

In my heart, I knew the problems were in my head.

These aren't the tears of pain, no longer.

These aren't the tears of sorrow, no more.

For these are the tears of joy I have,

the tears of one who is finally freed.

Happy 21st Birthday, Naomi.

May you strive and be the best there is.

May both of your love for each be eternal.

I think I shall leave this post for tomorrow! Procrastination has never failed me!

After seeing the empty beer cans on my desk, I collect them by the way, I ask myself is it worth it?
What do I get from drinking beer? It gives you the confidence you never knew you had! It gives you more than you can imagine! At what cost? I don't consider myself a heavy drinker, we only meet up once a week just for a couple of beers.

We have fun, just relaxing and letting go. The thing is, it's not the beer that I enjoy. It's the people, the company I am with that makes it a whole lot more fun. I guess I got too dependant on alcohol to distract me from stuff I didn't want to accept, but since it's all good now it's time to stop. Plus, it's going to my gut.

Alcohol has brought good and bad to me, they say when you get drunk once you'll never want to drink again. That's what I have been trying to do since awhile back, and somehow it just seems good that I haven't been drunk. And I have decided to stop this pointless challenge, because in the end I have got everything to lose.

Blame my can't-care-less-about-almost-anything attitude, blame myself for having enough self-control. Sometimes, it's not good to dare to do everything. It might just kill you one fine day, but thankfully I have stopped it before happening and what do you know! One less thing that would accidentally wind up causing me to kill myself.

Now if only I can convince myself that fast food and junk food are as bad as alcohol, I would be so much well off. One step at a time, for I am betting that will take me alot longer realising the damage it does to my health. I mean I can just sit in front of the TV, watching Discovery Channel or National Geographic broadcast disturbing images of dead people or animals, while eating chicken nuggets with chili sauce not a wee bit bothered.

Like I said, one step at the time.

For now, I am pretty contented with cutting down drinking only on special occasions. Probably Christmas, new year and stuff like that. Another good reason would be that I have something less to spend on. I think I'd use the money I save to buy soft drinks instead, a whole lot cheaper and also less stress on the gut!

Interesting camp we had there, I dare say. Interesting.

Everyday is a learning experience. I claim to know so, but do I really know?
People often associate understanding to being able to explain whatever that has been taught.
Sure, you can just memorise but have no conceptual knowledge on applying what one has learnt.

Is that really how to fully understand conceptual knowledge ? (This is an acronym joke).

Ignore the last sentence if you want, although I put it there purely with the intention to joke, ask yourself is that how you understand things? Yesterday at SBM, Kevin, Ernest, Jian yong and I were having a random chit-chat session. Somehow, we got to the topic on bad habits. Thinking back now, I have a habit of saying "I know".

Sometimes when I want to cut anyone short, I say that. Please don't take it that I say that ALL THE TIME just to cut people short. Most of the times I say that is to my dad. Whenever he tells me to wash up after eating, hang up my clothes properly and switch off appliances after using etc.

It's a bad habit resultant from constant nagging but it doesn't stop the constant nagging anyway.

The main issue is that I have been conditioned to give a quick reply, without much thought, after being given instructions. Only after that, I realise that I do not understand. I just know.

Yes, I admit I am running on a Pentium 2 up there.

Sure after doing the chores I am told to for many years already, I totally understand. It's a no-brainer. However, when given something new to do I fail to accept 100% of it. My habitual reaction has limited myself to learning, and also limited my learning capacity. While people learn about 70 - 80% , I get a grand amount of 30%.

It's time to grow up, shoulder more responsibility and also extend my attention span. Pardon my epic learning speed and tell me that I don't know when I say know.

I do not understand, I do not comprehend because I only know.

Don't accuse me for being a fanboy, but the sequel to by far one of the best games I've played is going to be out soon. Call of duty world at war wasn't as good as Call of duty 4, but being able to play co-op missions is really a good idea. Plus, blasting Nazi Zombies never felt this good before!

After seeing the game-play trailer, I am more than convinced that it was worth the wait compared to COD5. I just remembered that my guitar is still at SBM, haven't been able to practice with efx and stuff. Only managed to squeeze in acoustic practice. And for some reason, Parkview square also known as Gotham City looks really out of place. Seated within a sea of low-level structures, it kinda resembles the tower from Half-life 2.

The one where Gorden Freeman has to sneak in, in order to save Alex's father. If the building was painted all black, I would be convinced the Government would really be up to something. Jokes aside, I am counting down the days remaining until I serve the nation. Not really looking forward to it, nor am I hating it.

It's one of those things you just go "meh." about it.

How much more can it possibly be express, that my life is already so dull. Losing much freedom doesn't seem to be a chore at all.

Finally, a nice worthy street racing game, offering almost unlimited customization, is out on the market. It's been out for almost a year already and is it in Singapore? Hell no.

Enter R-Tuned: Ultimate street racing.

Why is it so cool? For starters, it has the Ford mustang. That's not all! It has the Ford GT, the corvette c3, c6 and the viper. And most of all it has a few of my favourites, apart from the above, the Nissan GT-R r35, the Honda NSX and the Toyota Supra. The thing about most racing games in the arcade only focus on either Japanese cars or purely American cars, well this game just brings the best of both worlds.

So think of it as Maximum Tuned + Initial D + NFS and you get roughly this game. Oh did I mention you get to use Nitro? Not the best thing in the game though, but still worth the mention.

Just another lazy Sunday afternoon, the roads are clear and the sun gently breaks through the windows. Perfect day for chilling and just relaxing, although it would be awesome if I had a balcony or access to the roof. It's days like this that we shouldn't think much but kick back and relax.

I am not suggesting people should become slugs or sloths but once in awhile its nice to just enjoy some peace and quiet. Since I stay in the central area, there's only shopping malls and hangout spots. It's quite hard to get peace and quiet here, not to mention the fortnightly evening workout sessions the national library offers.

I am usually a pen and paper person, but these days keeping a diary just takes up space. The only reason I would put up a blog is because it is oh-so-easy to access. Besides, almost everyone is connected by the internet so while we communicate or socialise through the net, all I need to do is make a few clicks to access my E-diary.

Well, there goes my 45 mins of peace. The National library is starting some event, and it's not cool that I can hear it from my house. What's more, traffic seems to be increasing slowly. Guess that's as much peace and quiet I can ask for and or get on a weekend. I don't ask for much, for now all I ask for is for the horrible singing to stop.

It's been 5 years since I lost something, which was one of my best qualities - My confidence. As of now, I am trying my best to rebuild it and take measures to ensure it will not be shattered anymore. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger unless you have AIDS. It is true that having great confidence allows one to achieve many goals, it also to a certain extent, open doors to more possibilities.

As long as you dare to shine, no one will stop you. Only you will hold yourself back and only you will allow yourself to succeed. It is said that once a person faces a certain near death experience, he/ she will never fear death again. If you live through any mistakes, you have the chance to right wrong and make sure never to repeat them.

The human body and mind can be pushed hard and cross uncharted boundaries, only if you want. Change is possible, so make the change! Dare to dream and dare to change. Confidence is not a physical installment found within the mind or body. I want to find the old me, or rather find the old me and improve from where I left off. This 5 year lapse won't change a thing nor will it slow me down. I would say it's merely a break and nothing too serious.

With that, it's time to recalibrate and react!

When I first said I really wanted you to be happy, I only meant 60% of it. I knew that to achieve the remaining 40%, I wanted you to be happy and stay with me. Everyone is selfish, our words and actions may differ but the sole purpose is the same - to make sure in the end we benefit ourselves.

Finally, I have reached 100% acceptance, though it took me ass long to achieve. It just goes to show how hard it is for one to exude appreciative joy. As easy it is to understand the good in these virtue, difficult it truely is to observe and practice. You brought the best in me, the worst in me but ultimately the best in me. You have made me a better person, and I thank you and love you. 

Argh, I left my guitar and effects pedal at SBM. Gotta wait until saturday to grab it, for now its back to ol' classical. Ah crap, this saturday is the post camp gathering. Which means going to sentosa and not going to SBM. Speaking of music, I now understand why Metallica was no doubt one of the best metal bands out there. That is to say only before they released the album St Anger.

So damn in the mood for metal, until next time nothing else matters!

Back from camp, and roughly the same as always. Maybe better? Great experience,  a new environment and atmosphere. Relaxing yet hectic but still all good.

Humans have 2 sources of thoughts: 

-The all powerful and yet enigmatic brain of which sound and profound deductions are actualized.
-The personification of emotions and feelings called "heart", of which humane and sentimental  decisions are conceived.

(Do note this is my opinion through my observation)

If one is to live with lacking either of the above, he/she is inevitably bound to face much moral dilemma or emotional devastation in some point of time. It might all sound too cliche or like a typical plot for a shoujo manga but it is true verily. We need them both to function and live our lives up to a certain expectation.

When we lose our heart, yes we don't get distracted by love or any other emotions. However, that makes us no different than a machine. Optimal and precise, only focusing on the objectives and completing tasks. That's also when we are no longer bounded by moral obligations. This causes humans to be too task-oriented, leaving behind the consequences of our actions in order to fulfil any goal. 

On the flip side when we only use our heart, we get blinded by our feelings and emotions. This leaves us vulnerable to falsehood and deception. When people are nice to us, we label them as friends or allies. Once we enter the comfort zone, without the aid of level-headed thinking we get complacent. We are also susceptible to blind compassion and impetuous decision making. Heard of spur of the moment? 

All that I am saying is that we need both. To keep everything in balance is to live a human and humane life. One cannot solely depend on any preferentially, yet determining which to utilize can be a hassle. Life's never easy but as long as we choose to use our brains or intelligence while retaining our emotions, otherwise known as the "heart", we will find a better choice among the 2 decision making engines.

We all know 2 is better than 1 numerically. So as to resolve matters, in any event we do make a wrong choice we learn from it. Having 2 options is most definitely better than one, but just don't get too  caught up and lost in any of the 2.

(Once again, this is my opinion through my observation)

I find that I am most productive at the weirdest hours of the night, as bad as it is for my health I can't help but enjoy the peace and tranquility it offers. Be it writing or playing music, my brain activity is at its peak at some might say at the wrong time. 

Anita "Imi" Ong, keeping me in check of reality. She makes me realise the thin line between going too far and having fun. She makes me feel like a 10 year old kid all over again. She calms me down without the use of words, with expressions and feelings which melts the coldest of hearts. Mellow, is she at the right times. She knows what to do when, she knows who I want to see where. She's good. Too damn good. She gives me ideas, dreams and the thing is she keeps it real for me. She's known me the longest, as I too, have known her the longest(Besides the obvious). 

Unfortunately, she isn't her former carefree self lately. She won't say anything to me. She usually keeps me guessing what's new and all, but she's tired I guess. Always giving me wild and crazy ideas here and there, making everyone laugh. I hope she hasn't decide to "grow up" and change, I never want her to. She has made me who I am today, and I can never be the same person without her. She's my placebo.

Way past midnight, way past anybody's bed-time. She should be calling any time soon. 

Inside the bubble of optimism

In the eyes of delirium, the world is just right. Nothing short of perfection nor past overkill.
In the eyes of destiny, everything has its reasons. Every question will end with an answer.

In the eyes of destruction, a sound mind battles audacious decisions. Reflections or regret?
In the eyes of despair, complications and implications fall short from being burdens.

In the eyes of desire, momentary indecisions are caused by the endless whims of the heart.

In the eyes of dream, an escape from reality is made possible during slumber.

In the eyes of death, ceasation of the current leads to genesis. A new beginning.

So maybe systems are A-GO. Fragmentation was inevitable and damage left within, but the self-destruction has halted. 

I have decided  to cut down on alcohol(I didn't drink THAT much from the start anyways), for 1 good reason - it hurts my wallet more than it does harm to my body. I will only buy beer and drink it once a week, take note that beer found in my fridge does not count since someone else bought it. Speaking of which I think I will help myself to a few cans later.

When people say guns kill people, I disagree with that. Crazy Motherfuckers with guns kill people. Someday I really hope to own a pair of desert eagles,  it's a work of art. It radiates an aura of beauty, elegance and at the same time, it gives off bad-ass vibes to the user.

Imagine this : Shades + 2DEs + tattered clothes + unshaven look = Bad ass gun-toting protagonist. You seriously can't go wrong with this gun, you have to admit that it is a nice gun.

On the other hand: Shades + 2Glocks + tatter clothes + unshaven look = Crazy motherfucker most likely to be a terrorist and who gives a shit how many glocks he is holding because he might be strapped full with explosives.

My typing spree has been ended by my hunger, right now all I want to do is to eat. My brain has prioritize all bodily functions to facilitate gormandization. In short, that means eat now type some other day.